Week 69: "I'm in God's hands"

Monday, October 23rd, 2017:

The couple who used to do our laundry brought us to the laundromat this morning.  We got laundry done 8-10, shopping by 11, lunch and cleaning to 12:15, and emailing to 2:30 before the zone activity.  I pushed at the zone activity, which left me tired for the night but not so much that I couldn't work.

We're going on a double-header exchange with Elders Opificius and Martin tonight through Wednesday night.  We moved two lessons and a meeting to clear the schedule.

In the exchanges, Elder Martin and I talked as we walked to the North part of their area.  We tried to tract, talk to people on the street, and find more contacts; we were moderately successful.

Tuesday, October 24th, 2017:

Finishing the exchange with Elder Martin, we walked the same route twice (reps split between lunch).

Elder Martin is from Georgia.  He realized he didn't have a firm testimony when he got out in to the mission field, which made it hard for him, but he's since sorted things out.  The rest of his family served missions; they didn't pressure him, but he felt pressure to go.  He loves psychology.

With Elder Opificius, I focused--or wanted to focus--on having solid contacts.  As I meet people, I don't always (or often) consider things like setting return appointments, getting contact information, leaving something behind for them to study before we visit them again, asking for anyone they know who needs help, or so on.  In actually visiting people, we only got to one person in the evening.  The mother we talked to is in a part-member family; her daughter was supposed to leave today for the MTC but, finding a (likely benign) brain tumor, she did not.  They were handling it well, but it was odd to have us happen in the day she was supposed to leave.

I feel like I've reached a different point of growth in my mission.  Or perhaps that I'm better able to see the growth I've already had.

I don't know what this next transfer will bring, but it feels like a blind corner--unpredictable.

I feel (in part) that I'm becoming more comfortable with how I'm doing.  I don't want to stop improving, though!  [there's more thought to that last sentence than just a thoughtless exclamation, by the way]

Wednesday, October 25th, 2017:

Both mornings on exchanges, we played at the gym for morning workouts.  It's good exercise, but I feel like I get frustrated sometimes.

Elder Opificius and I only got to a few people between the morning and lunch and between lunch and ending exchanges.  They accounted for us being on bikes for exchanges, but because someone gave us a ride and how that worked out, we didn't bring out bikes.

One person we talked to pointed us to a new move-in.  That person was happy to see us to tell us she and her family were not interested.  She was blunt to rudeness about it, but she must have realized how she was acting because she apologized.  But she got stuck in half apologizing for being rude and half making it clear she wasn't interested by not giving us the time of day... it was just odd.  She finally and gratefully shut the door.

Yesterday, I happened to meet one of two sisters who created Sentsy.  She gave us some of her products.  Her husband is the WML for one of the other elders' wards.  I got her business card.  I'm almost certainly going to sell Sentsy for a while during college.

In talking to Elder Opificius at the conclusion of the exchange, I delved into what may be keeping me from being a better missionary but didn't come up with anything solid.  I would love to get a grasp on myself--getting a clearer view of what I could do and how I am doing--again soon.

I put up a curtain liner I found on clearance at Walmart and added one of the Sentsy scent disks to the bathroom so it'll smell better.  Our apartment is looking nicer now.

We got to a trunk-or-treat after dinner, but Elder Parnes couldn't walk very far for a good reason so we had to turn in early.

Thursday, October 26th, 2017:

I went to family services this morning.  I talked to Kyle about feeling like I couldn't think straight.  He suggested it was externally generated, as it began about a month ago (I only noticed it about a week ago).  He hypothesized sleep deprivation caused it and told me a few things to get better sleep.

The other thing I took away from it was that my Aspberger's makes it hard to emotionally connect to things.  So I'm working on emotionally connecting to myself, which sounds really cheesy but makes sense in therapy.

I had a really good review of what goals I have during personal study, but it turned into a personal summary of counselling.  I also organized my study journal; I think I found a system that works and I'm happy about it.

We tried to do weekly planning after, but it went nowhere, fast.  I eventually broke down in what I would describe as mental consumption as I tried to figure out what I wanted a weekly planning session to do and why I haven't been so successful at it ("I" because it's been consistent across companions.  I needed to understand something that I currently did not.).  Much later (and after what I would consider a private and spiritual experience), we had dinner (our appointment dropped it off last night, as they were at the temple tonight and had a mix up).  I then hacked weekly planning and we finished the majority of it in an hour, finishing by two hours.

[By "hacked" I mean it wasn't because something clicked, but I was just able to do better at it.  It's a long story.]

We then finished the night with a correlation, the only other thing we did that day.

Friday, October 27th, 2017:

Our morning schedule wasn't picture perfect--as our planning and studies weren't properly hedged into proper time allotments--yet I feel better about this morning because our delays were due to things more outside my control, such as interruptions.

Correlations were good, but we didn't have much to report.  UEA (fall break in Utah) was this weekend; we had few lessons.  That will be our focus moving forward.

District meeting reflected on the mission tour.  I want to reflect more on that now, as I'm not yet grasping its core.

I got a package sent jointly (?) from my sister and my parents.  It had Halloween candy and papercraft pumpkins.  I am so grateful that they think of me often.

There were four Halloween parties tonight among our wards, so we went to two before catching a lesson with Kiki, Gong, and Tina.

Another reason I'm glad we prepared well in companionship study is because of that lesson.  Gong asked a question about the second coming--fair enough, given that we read the introduction, which mentions it at the end--but we were able to steer it back to our plan of receiving answers from God.

We went by Elijah and Tara's grandparents tonight, the first time after their grandmother opened up.  She hugged us as a greeting and as a goodbye.  It is humbling to have someone let you in to a level of deep trust like that.

A pizza guy came by our door at about 10:00.  Our apartment building often gets confused with one just down the street.

Saturday, October 28th, 2017:

We dropped Marie today!  We also almost dropped Tristyn; when we went by, we explained how we thought our visits were harming her because some people gave her special attention as an investigator, which translated to pressure.  She seemed fine; Staci said she [Staci] was hurt (but not by us--it was a hard day/time for her and we didn't help things).  Staci texted us ten minutes later asked us to come back; Tristyn wanted a blessing.  We talked to Tristyn and she said she did want to meet with us--that the pressure wasn't too bad--and so we have to think on it now.  They said they would be honest about why they are cancelling appointments or not keeping commitments in the future.

After, we helped Tristyn's ward (the 15th ward) set up for a Halloween party, left to visit a family for dinner, and came back for an hour during the actual party.

After the party, we went to contact people.  At one door, we met a returned missionary whose dad was currently practicing in a rock band.  The band featured a member, a Jew, and an Atheist (all 50+).  They asked us if we could sing or play drums, so we played a little (neither one of us are very skilled, so it didn't last long).  The member sang a hymn with me.  It was a pretty comical situation, but it was a good way to meet the other band members.

Transfer calls came tonight; as most everyone predicted, Elder Parnes is being transferred while I'm staying.

Sunday, October 29th, 2017:

There was no mission prep class this morning, so we planned out more of our day and had a good start.  We got to four wards that we haven't been by in a while, which was really nice.  After three sacrament meetings--one of which was a primary program--the fourth ward we attended had a combine third hour for almost the whole ward (everyone 12+).  Two family communications majors discussed the nature of relationships, which I enjoyed.  They noted how we often reach out in a "bid for affection," a subconscious "squeezing of the hand" when a person shares opinions seeking for validation, which struck me.  There were a few other things in their presentation that also stood out.

After dinner, we picked up a young adult named Lilo and brought him with us to a lesson.  The assistants to the president asked us last night to have him come with us; all the 16-18 year-old youth from that stake went with missionaries to see how teaching a lesson would be like.  The appointment we had didn't really work out, as the mom (Heather) was sick and the son (Matt) was absent, but we still read with the daughter on the porch for about half an hour.  She, Emily, was excited to read the Book of Mormon whereas before she didn't understand what it was and thus wasn't very interested in reading it.  Hopefully that was a practical example of missionary work, not just teaching.

We spent most of the evening (7:40 on) finishing Cameron's baptismal form.  While we did not know his form hadn't been submitted for a long time, we did not do a good job of getting it finished quickly.  However, it is now done [Monday afternoon].  The open permission from President Hillier to call anyone in the mission we needed to, which we obtained when we dropped Lilo off, helped a lot.

Actually, we spent a large portion of our evening catching up on records as things carried out with Cameron's form.  We had a few referrals to straighten out in a ward and a good amount of information to add or update in our area book.  It's all tucked away now.  I don't love spending time creating records instead of proselyting, but I do know it's vital to have good records.  Plus, it feels rewarding to have things sorted out.

Having everything in area book, it's reassuring to see that we have a healthy number of new people to visit.  I'm trying to think of how I could be less self-centered in thinking that, but really the core of it is it can be hard to want to offer help to which no one accepts.

The mind is really interesting, but also really complicated.

Elder Parnes and I nearly got in a fight tonight.  It wasn't heated, it didn't build up, but it was fast.  It was a different sort of anger or conflict; it felt different.  We've had that a few times before, but it always fades just as quickly as it comes.  Still, I feel like ever since I've been with Elder Wagley I have had a bit of a temper or am faster to act rashly.

[For example: When we were helping to set up for the Halloween party yesterday, I tried to figure out how to position the tables to fit everyone comfortably.  Some of the other people helping set up decided to start setting out chairs, which made it really hard to move the tables.  I was complaining in a passive-aggressive manner, saying things like "I don't know who decided to put out the chairs already, but..."  Elder Parnes told me we had to go; I said I know, sharply.]

​I'm not blaming Elder Wagley.  Maybe I'm more prone to noticing it now--

​s

ometimes, as I grow I tend to notice things I could work on that I previously didn't notice.

​  I can get that confused with regression.​

  I'm honestly just scared that I will fail to be better at handling my anger or that it's getting worse or something.

My worst fear is my weaknesses.  I am afraid when I feel like I have not improved, especially in my areas of weakness, especially when I have cause to believe I am becoming worse. 

 That is when I may find myself in darkness, surrounded by shame, regret, hopelessness, frustration, anger, misery, or any other of a host of sensations.

However, I don't want anyone to worry for me.  I am growing and I know I am becoming better.  I am learning, climbing.  Know that I am fine.  Part of it is because I know that I can do anything through the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ.  Another part is because I'm pretty rational; I can hold on stubbornly to the knowledge and perspective that can be hid in the moment.

Your prayers and your thoughts do help.  I appreciate those.  Please just don't be troubled.  I'm in God's hands.