Week 68: Feeling lighter than I've ever been before

Week 68 Journal

Monday, October 16th, 2017:

We had to do our own laundry today. We thought about what the stake presidency said–they didn’t want missionaries (ab)using the fact that the couple does laundry for them–and decided to accept it for what it was. At least, I did. I realized I hadn’t been was sincerely grateful for their help. I appreciated it to a degree, but if they didn’t do it I would still end up all right with whatever I would have to do.

Sometimes I’m tempted to write insincerely in this journal – just the happy stuff, lots of exclamation points, etc. I try not to. I would rather that this be an honest reflection of my mission.

I also find that I find writing thank-you notes hard at times, which is part of the reason it’s taken me so long to write the recent ones. Having people invite us over for dinner or people arranging dinners or giving us rides or money is another thing that I have a hard time accepting. We’ll get along without it. It’s not my time nor work. Either I’m really not grateful or not good at faking it, or it’s an emotional disconnect. Sometimes I think that’s how must people are–they say thank you and show enthusiasm—even though they do not sincerely feel it.  I don’t know

So we did laundry for four-ish hours, as we only have one washer/dryer. We re-arranged the apartment; I’d say it has a much better flow. (Looking around at in on Tuesday, it mainly benefitted me. I’m trying to think of how I could help Elder Parnes.)

The pumpkins I didn't cook into soup and my pumpkin I carved were rotting or leaking. I don't know what to call it but it was gross.  We realized that after we moved the bag, so we quickly set them outside on the concrete porch and got paper towels down on the carpet.  It took a while to clean up.  We decided to move Elder Parnes' pumpkin outside, too even though it wasn't rotting (yet).

While emailing, I fell into a bad humor.  This time, it was because we didn't even have time to play tennis, which I was looking forward to. P-day was just a drudge of shop, email, laundry, clean--and I felt, at least in the moment, that every single thing in missionary work was so crammed that it was impossible to enjoy it.  At some point I recovered, but as I was doing so I recognized a pattern of thought that resembled what I am seeing Kyle about.  Part of me wanted to be depressed.  Totally illogical, but it concerned me.  I told my dad, who told me to contact the mission nurse.

The thing about depression, having sorted my thoughts out, is that I don't want to be fragile from it. What I mean is that if I have it I want to react well to it so it's not a huge issue. After exchanging a bunch of emails with my dad, I rebounded all of my initial tangled thoughts.

Part of me is happy. I can draw a line through this occasional depression, and realize that it comes down to how I am able to cope with stress or adversity.  If I can fundamentally comprehend stress, challenge, how I grow, and see why the lack of comfort is just as important as the presence of comfort, I will have taken a large step forward.  Every deep issue I face brings with it a new perspective, so while I wouldn't ask for my trials, I shouldn't beg their absence.

After sorting through all of that, we got to missionary work. We went by the Neilsens for dinner; Elder Gwin and Elder Grovnfeld joined us. They asked to have us over. They had one of those "hover boards”, the physics of which fascinates me.

Tuesday, October 17th, 2017:

We established order in the apartment after yesterday's rearranging.  Elder Parnes was exhausted, so I wrote today the rest of my journal from last week, which should have been emailed yesterday.  That was our afternoon.

We had German pancakes for dinner; I don't know if I've ever had them before.  They remind me a lot of a desert in the Chinese ward, but I can't remember its name.

A family asked us to help them move with little notice, but we were open.  We were going to start working with them, but they were moving so soon--I hope missionaries in their new area can find them.

We went by Tania a few times recently.  She is a less-active member fighting some demons and trying to return to a better life.  The gratitude she has for our support was almost tangible.

My carrying bag's front zipper broke. The whole bag has been wearing down rather fast, which is unfortunate as I've enjoyed the amount of things I could carry in it (smaller=lighter).  I'll have to get a new bag, probably a different and more durable brand, soon. Santa, are you listening?

Wednesday, October 18th, 2017:

I went to family services again today.  We talked about discipline; humans have the unique ability to think about a thought and act over instinct.  There's a space between stimulus and response where we may use our agency; the more we focus on that "wedge," the more influential it is in the future.  So, with depression, my former addiction to leisure time, or anything else, the idea is to be disciplined in accepting that life is supposed to be hard, or, rather, it's not supposed to be all easy.  The more difficult path in the short run becomes the more rewarding path in the long run.

Elder Parnes continued to be struggling with Crohn’s Disease, so I tried to gauge what he could do.  We walked about 30 minutes to get across our area today.  Elder Parnes is a trooper. Most of our appointments and lessons we hoped to have today fell through.

I talked to Elder Parnes and he said he felt frustrated by not being able to keep up with our area.  We have a lot of investigators, but we haven't been keeping them going by contacting them daily.  The way I've described it to other people is that we have a good number of investigators but we want to get to teaching and visiting them more regularly.  Many of them are pretty busy, some fall through, and so on.  I wish I could plan better for them; I don't believe Elder Parnes has seen a good example of helping investigators through regular contact yet.  He feels more limited by the lack of a car.

I'm still having trouble with daily planning.  "We" are, but I know I should be leading by example as a senior companion.

We studied with the Sorensens about the fall of Adam, as one set of our investigators isn't sure if it was necessary.

One of the last things we did today was visit a man with a high-school senior under the direction of a WML.  I'm glad to see instances of leaders taking initiative on things like that.

Thursday, October 19th, 2017:

A short journal entry: we spent much of day on a mission tour. The mission tour was focused on our purpose. I felt amazing about an hour after the mission tour: I feel light, like lighter than I've ever been before.  I could genuinely laugh, like I only could have done before my mission.  I was reminded or helped to realize that in finding, we should develop a relationship with people.  It doesn't have to be deep, but through that connection we then share the gospel.  Doing so is how we sincerely share.

Part of that is in OYM-ing; having faith that I might be teaching these people, I can and should earnestly seek to build a relationship with those I talk to on the street.  Suddenly everything has shifted and the tension is gone.

I can see people at least in some way as God can see them.  I feel like I could talk to anyone and genuinely care about them, as related to the worth of a soul.  I am not (as) afraid to talk to people, as I know there is something to connect to. My role is to help anyone and everyone.  I know the gospel will help them.  But I can talk with them now; the part about talking of the gospel makes sense to me.

One huge thing I realized is that OYM-ing is a different thing than I thought.  I wrote a note describing it, but putting it simply I realized making a relationship is central to sharing the gospel.  The relationship can be just a connection, made in the moment, but it is not like a client/professional relationship.

In the evening, we talked about Jesus Christ with the Sus family.  It wasn't a usual lesson, but we were sounding out what it is they needed, and tried to speak what the spirit prompted us to say.

Friday, October 20th, 2017:

Our correlations were early as we had no district meeting, so with them done with and Staci having cancelled our temple square lesson again--which usually takes much more time than a normal lesson--we did weekly planning and nearly finished. I haven't gotten around to reviewing my notes of the mission tour but I really should, else it may slip away like conference did for me.  Today could have been a lot more effective with better planning!

I learned to play a game from England called "Knockers."  It must have been a British nobility party game or something.  You poke a hole through a walnut and set it on the end of a string, then take turns trying to successfully hit your walnut against another's and crack theirs.  Elder Parnes had an uncanny ability for it.

A storm blew in. The morning was warmer than the rest of the day because of it. Walking around can be nice.

Saturday, October 21st, 2017:

We went out to do service this morning in the sisters' area, at which point I ran into my uncle! I didn't recognize him until he called me Garrett, as it had been a while since I’d seen him. He took some photos with me. We didn't plan that, I promise.

We stopped at Jeremy's to help him move a few things before changing and going to the temple.  There is a recent convert and his now-active wife, Hermilio and Jennifer, who went to the temple for the first time to do baptisms for the dead.  Things were a little hectic due to how busy the temple was, but I performed the baptisms for our ward mission leader.  It was really unique.

We finished weekly planning, minus companionship inventory.  We're doing well at keeping weekly planning within a reasonable time span.

The bishop of the 7th ward stopped us in the evening and asked if we could come over to talk.  We met for a while and got to know him; he is in networking.  It proved to be a useful time for information as he knew most all the former investigators in his ward.

We had dinner with a high priest.  One thing he said left an impression on me.  God's purpose is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  Our purpose as missionaries is to bring to pass the eternal life of man.  Everything we do should be to help another person.  While I'm still wrapping my head around applications to education and self-care, it has stopped me from being selfish with my time in some instances.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm losing my ability to think straight, as I'll start thinking of an unrelated thing when doing something.  I turned it a bit around by channeling it to mentally multitasking; it hasn't been so bad since.

We got in very late.  One family we've seen a few times--Matt, Emily, and Heather--lives near us, so in trying to visit one more house before we headed in, we went by.  What I thought was a 30 minute conversation was a 50 minute one.  We managed to set a return appointment with them, though.

Sunday, October 22nd, 2017:

We had a busy Sunday!  We met with bishops of the 1st and 9th wards and WMLs for the Rose Crest 2nd ward and 15th ward.  We also got to two sacrament meetings.  I'm glad we got to check up with so many ward leaders.  The bishop of the 9th ward was called about two months ago and was excited to meet with us.  The RC2 WML is the same one who went with us to the temple.

I've found each bishop and WML has a different way of going about their callings.  It would be fair to say it's as varied as personalities are.

In the time after dinner, we contacted.  There were a few different families out in their yards.  We talked to them and while nothing jumped out, I would say it was refreshing to talk to people who didn't try to shy away as soon as they saw we were missionaries.  One man I talked to was into music design; one of his friends works for Nintendo.  He told me that the people they hire get worked a lot and usually aren't well paid unless they become known.

We visited Simeon, Madeline, and Hannah.  We thought they were out of town, but their trip is next week.  They are very friendly--wonderful people--and let us talk to them for a bit.  They showed us their basement, which they said used to be carpeted with a fierce 70's color scheme, ballerina pink walls, and poor lighting.  Sometimes I'll write something in my journal just to capture an image like that.