Week three! I'm leaving tomorrow and basically
don't get my P-day tomorrow so I have a shorter preparation time today.
I hope I can get everything!
From my journal:
July 19th, 2016:
I
feel... better. Whew. Okay. Where to begin. So Elder Blood finally
changed the desks. Backing up: we have 12 elders in a class room. Which
means 12 desks. We have these weird desk things that are attached to
the chairs. They take up space, so this small classroom can't give
everyone personal space and have a nice open front area for the
instructor. So Elder Blood did a bunch of measurements and had been
figuring out where to put the desks. Today we finally moved them.
Elder Bach had been sitting in the front of the room. The way the
desks have been arranged, his and his companion's were in the middle.
But Elder Bach has been using a wheeled, padded chair for his seat, and sometimes uses the desk attached to the (otherwise unused) chair as a table. Many of us had brought up the fact that we don't have much space
to move around, and moving an unused chair would give us more room, but Elder Bach didn't really pay attention to that. So today
Elder Blood moved the desks, and ended up
removing Hyde's and Bach's desks because they weren't really using
them. Elder Hyde was fine with this, but Elder Bach was annoyed.
Now, remember that last week I wrote that Elder Wagley was annoyed at Elder Bach. Keep that in mind. Today, Elder Wagley and Elder Bach were mad at each other because Elder Bach kept
complaining about how Elder Blood had taken his desk and how he had a right to a desk, whether he used it or not. So Elder Wagley's in our room, making acidic comments about Elder Bach.
Meanwhile, our frenemy district is on our dorm floor. We've had good
volleyball matches and it's all been good fun. Now, the natural
leader of that other district is Elder Rothaug, who is not the district leader, but is a confident personality type. Elder Rothaug decides
to prank Elder Hyde by taking his mattress and hiding it. But every
room can only be accessed by a key to that door, so he needs a way in...
which ends up being Elder Wagley. So Elder Rothaug takes the mattress with Elder Wagley's help. Elder Hyde
gets really mad, storms around the dorm floor until he finds out Elder Rothaug
did it. However, after receiving an explanation, Elder Hyde isn't mad at
Elder Rothaug... he's mad at Elder Wagley. So Elder Hyde goes into our district's other
room. Really, he's more upset than angry (I think).
So, we have Elder Hyde in another room upset, Elder Rothaug feeling guilty for getting Elder Hyde mad at Elder Wagley, Elder Wagley in our room venting his frustration at Elder Bach, Elder Blood fearing he'll get in trouble [as Elder Bach implied the teacher wouldn't like the new desk arrangements], Elder Bach annoyed
at Elder Blood and the room for the desks. Elder Gailey is talking to Elder Blood. I felt like it letting it sit for the night wouldn't work so I
did some counseling!
I couldn't take hearing Elder Wagley continue to complain about Elder Bach, so I go to find
him. On the way, I get details of 1) Who did the prank, and 2) Elder Hyde is
mad at Elder Wagley. As I find Elder Bach, he says he needed to talk to the zone leaders.
Elder Rothaug was with him, and so I talked to him. Elder Rothaug tells me he wants
to talk to Hyde, so I go to talk to Elder Hyde. I knew Elder Hyde was in room 2
because I had searched for Elder Bach there.
So I
talk to Elder Hyde again. I had talked to him before about the pranks, and this time I talked to him about
Elder Rothaug. Elder Hyde said he thought it would be a waste of time because
Elder Rothaug would just say don't be mad at
Elder Wagley.
I then talk to
Elder Bach. I tell him about
how
Elder Wagley had been feeling. He thanked me for my honesty. I told him that he had to take initiative because
Elder Wagley was not planning to seek him out. So Elder Bach went off to talk to
Elder Wagley. I don't know if
Elder Rothaug has talked to Hyde,
but if he hasn't he will. He mentioned how he might wait for
Elder Hyde to
calm down, which could be wise. Anyway,
Elder Hyde's sleeping in room 2
tonight, which is understandable.
As I wrote
this,
Elder Blood came and talked to me. I tried to calm him as best I
could. I think I helped; I just hope he doesn't become even more
introverted because of it. Also,
Elder Bach's now talking to
Elder Gailey, which I
hope is a good sign. It's
Elder Gaily, so it's probably helping
Elder Bach.
Also,
we went to the temple today. I forgot to mention that. I was a proxy
in sealings for the first time ever and it was a good feeling.
July 20th, 2016:
We
hosted this morning. We showed the new Elders & Sisters to where
they had to go; we were basically the first faces they saw of the MTC.
Time goes fast.
~Later~
Wow! My grandma sent me a care
package with photos of me, my parents, and my grandparents when I went
to get my endowment at the Temple, some cookies she'd baked, fruit
leather she made, and fancy thank you cards. Thank you Grandma! That's a wonderful care package! Also, thank you to
whoever sent the care package full of snacks. There was no note inside it and the company that shipped
it didn't include any sender information so I don't know who sent it. Also,
thank you to Rose and Lily for the drawings--I've hung them up on my
closet door. Finally, thank you Aunt Ravonne for the card! Thank all
of you. I love you guys (and everyone else). Goodnight.
Note:
there are some Dear Elder letters that I haven't gotten in a physical
letter yet. They're in my inbox in my e-mail but I haven't gotten time
to read them.
July 21st, 2016:
I
just felt the Holy Ghost. We were answering "How do [these laws &
ordinances] help us live the doctrine of Christ?" with a specific
principle in mind. I chose eternal marriage. Family
is one of my favorite subjects to talk about. Everyone can feel it,
and it's such a glad message. So I quietly let my soul speak to the
class. It felt nice.
~later~
I
just had a not fun time with my companion. We were both annoyed at each other. He doesn't want to do
somethings we've been told to do, but he thinks I'm doing too much. He
makes me feel like it's my fault that we struggle, but after I talked to
him I talked to my district and they assured me I'm doing right.
Eventually he left the room,
saying that he couldn't deal with this. I started tearing up when I thought
that it could be entirely my fault and none of his. I got down on my
knees and prayed; afterward I decided to open Mom's note in the care
package which said, with peace signs and hearts, "We <3 you!" At
that point I couldn't stop crying. Anyway my companion doesn't know I cried.
~later~
Ok, now he does; a person in my district who talked to me told him. He apologized, but I think we still have to talk. But later. I'm too drained now.
July 22nd, 2016:
Note
to Mom and Dad: could you refer our neighbors [the ones with Bo] to the
missionaries? I gave the mother of that family [I can't remember the
name] a Book of Mormon a while ago and I think it would be good for the
missionaries to visit.
Things have calmed down with my companion and I but we still have not talked.
We
had in-field orientation today, which taught us skills for the field
(like how to use the planner we got). The meeting lasted for ~eight hours.
Also
we taught our last lesson to our fourth Teaching Resource Center (TRC) investigator today. He's half Japanese. I gave him Pocky once, because he gave us Pretz [both
Japanese snacks]. Anyway it was nice to teach him, but he didn't feel
the spirit during when we taught him. Oh well...
Also, thank you for all the care packages! Packing will be harder but the letters, things, and support I got are worth it.
Also,
my sketch book has become a lot more comic-based. It's like a
less-public journal because only I will understand the memories
behind them. [Note: I wrote this before I got the letter from my dad
saying he doesn't really understand the dozens of pictures I sent of my doodles. With that in mind I'm
still going to continue sketching. It's a way for me to relieve stress
and it's valuable to me, even if others may think it is a distraction.]
July 23rd, 2016:
We
taught our 3rd TRC investigator for the last time today! I opened up
to her about eternal families based off what she said; tears were
rolling down my cheek [as families is a very important subject to me].
Then she said, in the nicest way possible, that that particular message wasn't really for her.
July 24th, 2016:
Waiting for the shower. Wooo! I'm almost into the field!
A few things:
We sang with the Nashville Tribute Band today for Sunday Devotional.
Garment bags are fantastic.
Things are still rocky with my companion.
Anyway, lights out.
July 25th, 2016:
Whew!
Our final full day is a strange half p-day. We're expected to pack,
run laundry, and write e-mails, but we don't have the full p-day time.
It's about 9:00 AM as I write this; we've just finished doing our
laundry and dashed to the classroom.
I realize I
should follow up from the 19th. Things have been better from that time
but not perfect. Elder Blood's extrovert disguise is a way for him to
express humor and relieve stress. Elder Bach has calmed down, Elder
Hyde's okay with Elder Wagley, and Elder Wagley hasn't complained much
about Bach.
I guess I should update my descriptions:
Elder
Bach: Stressed about leading the group, he cares quite a bit about the
gospel. He's more on the serious side--he doesn't joke around much--but
he will warm up if you get to know him. His favorite color is black or
sky blue.
Elder Blood: He appears to be goofy,
but really he's intelligent and loves to think. He's an introvert but
acts goofy to help him deal with other people. His favorite color is
turquoise.
Elder Hyde: he is aggressive by
nature--not to a harmful point but still aggressive. He struggles with
being on a mission, especially with the spiritual intensity (I think we
all struggle to adapt) but as a result he will push people away without
really noticing. He's kind at heart. His favorite color is
red/crimson.
Elder Gailey: he's reverent and
very focused on the gospel. He knows his scriptures well, and will
counsel the group when we act un-harmoniously with our calling. Just
don't give him sugar or he'll roast people. His favorite color is dark
navy.
Elder Wagley: enjoys photography &
cave exploring. He's also writing a novel about sci-fi adventures. He
and I do not get along sometimes; I'll drum on the bed and he'll have a
flashlight to write when it's bedtime, I'll want to go fast in the
morning but slow in the evening and he's vice versa, etc. His favorite
color is blue or green.
Elder Anderson: he's a
large ginger. He's gentle, social, and fairly confident. A good word
for him is "jolly." He enjoys having a good time but has a deep
doctrinal understanding.
Elder Johnson: he's quiet and reserved but also confident and sturdy.
I didn't get to everyone, but I did ask Elder Blood to think what everyone's Myer-Briggs personality type is:
Bach:
ESTP
Blood: INTJ
Gailey: INFJ
Hyde: ISTP
Wagley: INTP
Brothers: INTJ
Anderson: ESFJ
Chavez: [E or I] NFJ
Petersen: ISFJ
Johnson: [E or I] STP
Schloemer: ENFP
Thomas: ESTP
_______
General thoughts:
As
I transcribe my journal, I realize the level of writing sounds far
below my usual level. Understand that I do not receive much time to
write, and as such I can only record my surface-level reactions in
simple language. This also explains the spelling; computers at the MTC
have spell check, but right-click is disabled on the computers so I
can't see how to properly spell the word. Instead of trying to puzzle
it out, I would much rather spend time writing more.
I love to hear from everyone, so thank you for all the letters.
I miss all of you and I wish I could see you!
I'm
still working to overcome my spiritual barrier. Right now I still
struggle to accept that the gospel is true. I understand it and am
willing to live to its requirements, but believing is a whole separate
story. I want to believe, but I hold myself back, and I feel like we
all do that at least at one time or another, if not all the time. I
don't know why part of me resists accepting the gospel--it is such a
glad message--but it does, and I feel like if I learn why then I can
finally make peace with myself. As it stands I sometimes wish I could
just spend days on end soul searching in piece, but there is much work
to do. Earlier when I talked to that TRC investigator about families, I
said at one point something along the lines of "I still have doubts. I
don't think I could honestly tell you I believe that there is a God, or
that Jesus really was the Messiah... but what I can say is that I
believe families can live together forever." I didn't plan to say
that. I didn't really want to say that, but I said it. I'm still
trying to make sense of it.
The biggest issue
for me is this: I have two parts. The one part wants me to accept the
gospel. It wants to hope, to be happy, glad, to live a good life. The
other part of me does not want to reject the gospel; it merely wants to
wait. To hold on. I do not know why I think in such a fashion. I
believe it comes out of a deep fear that I will say I believe and, for
the most part, I will. But inside, some part of me will still not be
able to accept it. And trials will eventually come, and break me. But
if I wait, if I do not push forward into acceptance, I am safe in such
an odd way. I am weathered by it, and I do not know what to do at
times.
Sometimes as I ponder, I test the idea
of fully accepting the gospel. Part of me is deeply moved, just as when
I talk to an investigator and want them to accept it. But... it would
be such a radical change of thought that it would challenge me to change
down even in my very core. It will almost certainly be a change for
the better, but it will be a change. That scares me. It scares me, not
to inaction, but it still scares me nonetheless.
Part
of me just wants to accept it so I will not feel so conflicted
internally, but I cannot do so so easily, I think. I cannot accept the
gospel for peace of mind; if I did it would not truly be acceptance.
I'm trying to let myself believe it. I just have to live more.
***********
I
wanted to share a poem I wrote from my journal:
There is, down by the river.
a boy whose feet barely touch the shore.
The daylight plays on the water
as the sun lazily settles in to swim.
The limbs of the trees
reach into the dome of the sky.
As the wind runs through the leaves,
it rustles the boy's hair.
The birds nest in the tree.
All is calm, still, and silent.
There is, down by the river,
clothes and a towel, still unused.
The sand blankets the shore,
tucked in by the gentle water.
The reeds bend gracefully,
bowing to their Mother Earth.
As the breeze glides through the marsh,
it whispers sweetly to the child.
The fish lay in the river bottom.
All is calm, still, and silent.
There is, down by the river,
a mother who waits for her child.
The evening slips softly by
moving on to the rest of the Earth.
The delicate scent of flowers
perfumes the air unnoted.
As the breath of Gods pushes past,
it pauses, considers, and continues on.
The rabbits doze in their burrow.
All is calm, still, and silent.
There is, down by the river,
a grave, dug long ago.
The night veils the riverbank,
careful to not suffocate the world.
The lilies decorate the water,
blooming so slowly.
As the draft crosses the boy's cheek
it tries to dry his tears.
The boy lies on the grass.
All is calm, still, and silent.
There was, down by the river,
a family now dead,
Time itself had forgotten
as the world went on.
The overgrowth stretches over,
shielding their rest.
As the wind rushes by,
it recalled them, for a moment.
The family sleeps in the ground.
All is calm, still, and silent.
***********
Photos:
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| An exercise in photography, focused on a stairwell, and how some things can be made to look like art |
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| More stairwell art |
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| I was trying to show exactly how bad my bedhead can get but the camera kept doing this in the mirror. I ended up keeping this photo. |
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| A lego cowboy I drew for Elder Hyde. He says "Happy Sunday!" to us in a strange accent, which inspired me to doodle this earlier. When he saw it, he asked me to draw it larger on a sheet of paper so I did. |
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The Amazon package of snacks is from Ian and Ravonne! Love your poem.
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