Monday, May 21st, 2018:
This morning was just hard. I had a lot of negative
feelings: The music that Elder Flaminiano was playing on p-day; not knowing
what to do about exchanges in my district; concerns about my mom’s poor health;
feeling like I didn’t want to do missionary work, etc. It was a chain of
short-term stressors causing me to worry, and longer-term stressors causing me
to worry more. After praying, I was laying on the bedroom floor. I needed a
blessing; not needed, but I knew it would do me good and I knew I wasn’t
in a good place. It was the hardest thing for me to say, “help.” I said “help”
three times, “please,” “elders,” “elders,” – my two companions heard the second
time. The blessing was good. After, I apologized to Elder Flaminiano, for I had
shown him so much anger. (It was a lot of anger for me, but it was not like
shouting at him or getting into fights. I was being disagreeable or sour, and
knew it, and that for me is a lot of anger.) I found I was somewhat able to
enjoy Elder Flaminiano’s music afterward (listening for the instruments I
liked), whereas for the entire six weeks of this transfer, I hadn’t. I felt
humbled, in a good way. I hope I can retain that feeling.
During emailing, I managed to type out the past two weeks to
a good level of detail. I hadn’t been able to do emailing last week. I was glad
to record my thoughts. Our zone activity: Korean Kickball, followed by chair
soccer. In the evening, we has a lesson with Cordell.
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2018:
We started district exchanges today with Elders Evans and
Coker. Elder Evans joined us in our area, while Elder Vandehei went with Elder
Coker. Last week, I had realized that we needed to do exchanges. But I waited
to hear from Elders Evans and Corker for what they thought they wanted to work on.
But it became a logistical mess because the zone leaders also wanted to go on
exchanges with them, but there was only one day available. But it all worked
out,t he way it usually does. We dropped by the Lustri family for a lesson. We’d
had an appointment, but they forgot. But they were outside, so we were still
able to teach them. Yay.
We had a lesson with Daegon, Hunter, and Dawnette later in
the day. We didn’t have anyone to come with us, so we walked down to the church
building, made it to part of cub scouts, and played baseball with them. We
asked a few questions as we played. I thought that it wasn’t a good use of
time, but Elder Flaminiano observed that Daegon was much more attentive when we
talked about the gospel as we were playing.
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2018:
We finished district exchanges with Elder Evans and Elder
Coker today. I found that the day became harder after exchanges ended. After
dinner, we had many meetings lined up. We met with the Midvale East 2nd ward Elder’s
quorum president. He wants to have weekly meetings. We met with the high
councilor over missionary work for the Midvale East stake immediately
afterwards. It may be the thing that gets that stake going in missionary work,
or so we hope.
Thursday, May 24th, 2018:
We started zone leader exchanges today. I went with Elder
Flaminiano to the zone leaders’ area with Elder Pearson. We did weekly planning
with the zone leaders; Elder Pearson planned for their area with us. The main
thing that stuck out to me was how short it was – there wasn’t much discussion.
Granted, he was the only one who knew the area.
Friday, May 25th, 2018:
Exchanges ended. Lunch at Meier’s chicken. Dinner at Joe
Murphy’s. We had district meeting on the subject of revelation. In
companionship study, we talked about connecting applications of the gospel to the
doctrine is more likely to help anyone (including myself or the missionaries
I’m training) to be more likely to follow the application.
Here is probably a good example of my Asperger’s reasoning: my
logic-based self has at times been confused, or unable, or not feeling
concerned for the temporal welfare of others, because I know it will all work
out. At times I’m not as concerned, even, for their spiritual welfare, because it
seems like, if their desires would be right, they could enter God’s kingdom. So I have been trying to figure out: do the
actions we take effectively provide the means for the at salvation for others?
Puzzling through this, I realized I was seeking through logic for a way to be concerned
for others. But feelings, including spiritual feelings, often defy logic, and lead
me to be concerned and want the joy, spiritual well-being, and temporal
well-being of others. This can be true even when I don’t have a logical reason
to concerned about the temporal welfare of others. At times, I have feelings,
including spiritual promptings, although maybe not as strongly as other people. Typically, however, my logical thinking has
dictated my understanding of myself and others.
Saturday, May 26th, 2018:
This morning, my two companions and I talked about how there
are some important things that ultimately haven’t been done, even when we
remember and plan to do them. It’s why I’ve been uneasy during planning. Some
of the more prevalent things are: telling WMLs about lessons and finding a
member of the ward to come with us, helping a Vietnamese recent-convert family
whom moved into the area, and planning where we go on Sundays (especially since
we know to coordinate with the aid of the high councilor now).
Over lunch, I was pondering how, with my understanding my
emotions and feelings as a way I am, I could let my emotions have more room. For
example, allowing myself mourn for my mother’s declining health, even while I
hold the view of the resurrection and how, in the long term, it will be fine.
Thus, what I choose to believe can include mourning for my mom. I believe in
the promise of the Atonement and resurrection and hold to the logical that all
will be well, but I can allow the emotional to be part of how I act.
Even though my emotions will be controlled (hopefully), as
in anger or such, they don’t need to be bound by the thought that “they don’t
make sense or fit with my logic, thus I will not allow myself to feel or respond
to my emotions (such as crying). This approach feels, perhaps, healthier.
In some ways, I look over my past and see that the balance
of logic and feeling is how a good chunk of my growth came. In gaining a
testimony, I relinquished the need to (at least logically) comprehend
everything I believed, and allowed myself to work on faith. (Now, I’m not going
to lump spiritual perceptions into emotions or feelings. I understand too
little about any them yet.)
Another way listening to spiritual feelings is in moments of
temptation: it can require more than just logic, as I don’t have perfect,
high-level-thinking discipline over myself. That’s one way I’m trying to grow.
Maybe that’s part of what I need to improve: not just by logic, but also by
feeling the spirit.
Another way I’ve seen my growth in this way is in supporting
others. Not only have I learned to be less selfish in helping others is the
right thing to do (as a kid, I understood this with logic), but I have started
to learn about helping others in terms of relationships. I’ve seen how some
children seem to pick up the importance of helping others faster than I do,
even now.
My biggest advancements seem to come when I am in a place
where logic doesn’t work (i.,e., building a testimony, or getting along with
others). Also, humility is being able to lean by the spirit. Humility is
necessary for spiritual growth.
Transfer calls came in tonight. Both Elder Vandehei and I
are staying put for my last transfer. Elder Flaminiano is going to go back to
his area and will receive a new companion. So our area will revert to the one
and a half stakes.
Sunday, May 27th, 2018:
We went to the ward council for the ME 5th ward, the M 10th
ward sacrament, the UP 5th sacrament, and M 8th ward sacrament. We planned our
schedule ahead of time, which helped a lot. We gave talks in the UP 5th ward.
We were assigned the three talks from the first presidency in the Sunday
morning session. Elder Vandehei gave his on revelation, Elder Flaminiano gave
his on the Spirit, and I gave mine on small and simple things. I talked about
how we need to tie the eternal perspective into our daily lives by doing
important but small and simple things. One part is that we show we care more
about the things of the world than the things of God in how we live each day;
it’s important to not get caught up in pride, prominence, power, or
possessions.
We went by an investigator, Emira, in the Midvale 10th ward
to walk with her to church. She told us her door had been kicked in last night,
so she didn’t get a good night’s sleep. After talking for a little while, she
agreed to come with us to church. She accepted our offer of a blessing after
sacrament meeting, but we wanted the bishop to join us and he wasn’t available.
In the evening, a member of the ward joined us. We gave her a blessing, repaired
her door, and had a short lesson.
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