Week 80 journal: self-reflections during zone conference

Week 80 Journal

Monday, January 8th, 2018:

We shopped a lot for this p-day. The local Dan’s grocery store was closing.  I got a lot of freezer items, which I should probably keep track of as our freezer is full.

We used our car for the second time this week and are already behind in miles.  Not by a lot, but still–we don’t have many miles. Our new enlarged area covers 5 stakes.

We taught Martin the first of his recent convert lessons.

We visited Kyleanne and were able to FaceTime with her and Elder Martin.  After getting them connected on Facebook, Elder Martin has been able to keep in ongoing communication with Kyleanne.

We emailed at the same time as we did our laundry.  It sort of works, although there is loud music playing at the laundromat and we don’t get a full two hours of emails. But multitasking is useful and having the extra preparation time is nice.

For a p-day activity, we bowled for about an hour.  Elder Heyward’s right hand is still handicapped, but he used his left hand.

Tuesday, January 9th, 2018:

It was a good day.  We had a great zone conference. I now want to focus more on our purpose as missionaries. I’m reaching the end of my mission in a few months.

During the conference, I thought about the difference between a successful missionary and an effective missionary.  Someone can do their best and yet not have learned the most valuable skills for missionary work, while another can be very skilled in missionary work but not try his/her hardest.

President Hillier asked how we were doing: how we were feeling, what our thoughts were right now. It caused me to ponder and reflect, and I wrote my own:

What are we feeling?

• Tired
• Ready to do well; waiting and anticipating and looking forward to being able to do better
• I can’t wait to go home, but I don’t know if that’s good (or rather, I know it’s part good and part bad, but I’m not sure what to then think of any part of it). I feel, perhaps as a product of my trails, that I’m not the best I can be while on my mission. But I don’t trust that mindset… it leads too well into “I just need to not be so challenged, and then it will be fine” rather than “I can grow to face my trials; I can be fine.”
• I know part of a mission is to have discipline and willpower, but I read recently that that can scrape down over time. A better way to go about it is gratitude, compassion, and ____, but I’m not exactly sure how to do that. I have been focused on self-mastery but now don’t think that’s the right way to go about it. I’m trying to figure out relationships.
• In listening to the things other people do, it seems like it comes so naturally to other people. I’m not frustrated or mad or whatever with the fact that I am different, but I wish I could learn about myself more and so on. Other people seem to be so naturally agreeable, so upbeat, so grateful, etc. I’m smart. I don’t know about other traits. I can empathize well. But other things? I don’t really think so, so I’m working on it. Or I hope I’m getting better at it as I try.
• I don’t know how to take a compliment. I don’t know what to think about it. I feel like it’s because I don’t give a lot of compliments, so I haven’t observed what others do when they get a compliment.
• I know 100% that leadership positions aren’t recognition, nor are they a sign of approval. So I’m generally okay, even though I sometimes doubt.

What positive things am I feeling?

• An air of improvement
• Good pride
• Some hope, perhaps because of improvement
• I know I can be too hard on myself, so I hope that I can look back on my mission after I finish and not be filled with regret.

What negative things do I feel?

• Feel like I’m not adequate. I’m going to improve, maybe, but I don’t then feel adequate as I am now. It’s like I hope to be successful, but where I’m at is not yet success because I’m not where I could be. I have a lot of weaknesses I’m very aware of.
• In part, I feel like I’m not okay with my efforts because I don’t believe it’s the very best I can put out.
• I can see that I don’t have as high of numbers as others. And I’ve come to recognize that it means I’m not skilled in putting my efforts in the right places. I still try as I can, but I feel like I’m not strong in the area that matters most.
• Focus, as a mission, is on numbers?
• I seem to have trouble building thoughts toward anything. I feel like I can’t focus. I don’t know why.
• A small thing, I’ve had dreams where I make unsettling choices. It’s nothing twisted and wrong, but it’s incredibly immature things, failing to take responsibility, or some other thing. The reason it’s unsettling is because I would never act that way in waking life, but it still puts a ray of truth on my character (meaning, I’m not perfect yet).

*******

We taught Kyleanne at a member’s home.  Her siblings are wild.

Wednesday, January 10th, 2018:

I went to family services and talked about or reviewed some things.  I’m feeling pretty good about everything, and chose to not set another appointment for now.

We went on splits so the other two elders could stay on track with the morning schedule. When I got home, they were cleaning.  I cleaned with them, but kept thinking “we should do this on p-day, not now,” the whole time.  I explained to Elder Heyward and Elder Shafer about how I was feeling. We are communicating better so we can all be in sync with each other so we can make choices in unison.  At times, Elder Hayward didn’t keep me in the loop on activities with others (such as really talking about or reviewing texts with members or investigators before sending them). I’ve told him that, without my being in the loop, I often get an incomplete view of the conversation and am not aware of what’s being decided.

We talked more, taking time to study. The “how do I fulfill my purpose” planning guidelines were great to study together.  We also determined that we both want to use time efficiently: I am not good at cutting down on planning, and sometimes like to and dive deeply during studies. Elder Heyward didn’t love to hold companion studies because generally he’s not diving as deep as I sometimes do.  He wants to go out to talk to people. He feels less motivated recently and being outside the apartment helps him feel better.

This evening we met with President Hillier and the three stake presidents that comprise our original area.  We discussed how to help the area and walked away with some good suggestions.  A major theme was to work with the local leadership more closely. The stake presidents want us to meet often with the WMLs and high councilors over missionary work. I had wearied of having so many meetings and felt like I was not actually Hastening the Work of Salvation. After today’s meetings, I gained a bit more insight on the purposes of those meetings.

Thursday, January 11th, 2018:

We had weekly planning today.  It was for a good part of the afternoon.  Elder Heyward and I got on edge at one point; we both have the same vision but different ways to go about it.

We had another lesson with Kyleanne.  She is on date for baptism in February.

We helped a less active family move their couch out, with the help of a WML.

Friday, January 12th, 2018:

We did exchanges. Elder Gwin returned to our area. President Hillier granted permission for him to visit on this exchange. He went with Elder Heyward and visited Tristyn and Andrea. He put both of them on date to be baptized. He had a really good relationship with both of them and, knowing that we had taught them all of the lessons, was able to challenge them to be baptized.   

Accompanied by a priest, I taught Taylor, one of the less active members we’re trying to help return to activity. Elder Heyward was with Elder Gwin, and Elder Shafer stayed with the sick Elder Mickelsen [Elder Gwin’s companion] to study.

We ate lunch with Sister Sorensen for correlation today at Maria’s.  It was a good lunch, but we acted without goals and plans and as such spent more time than was necessary there.  We talked about missionary-relevant things the whole time, but we went about it without an agenda. It wasn’t how I thought it should go.

We found some keys left in a mailbox while we were trying to visit a potential investigator named Tucker that we haven’t been able to get ahold of for a while.  We knocked on the door of the matching apartment and found a mom whose six-year-old had stuffed the keys in there.  She was moving the next day, so we offered our help.

After exchanges ended, Elder Heyward and tried again to visit Tucker.  He wasn’t home, but his active member neighbors heard us and asked for our help in giving their baby daughter a blessing. It is wonderful to be ready, able, willing, prepared, and worthy to give a blessing to those in need.

That evening, we were joined by a priest from one of the wards. He asked us for advice on whether and when to go on a mission. He didn’t have a strong testimony and didn’t feel prepared for his mission. We told him about the pros and cons of going on a mission right out of high school. We suggested that he pray about it, and to talk to his parents about it.

Saturday, January 13th, 2018:

I learned more about Tristyn being on date now: she wants to go to church to determine if being baptized is right for her.  It’s a very sensitive situation in that if she’s pushed, it will all fall apart.  We were asked by Staci to not tell anyone until soon before the baptismal service to preserve the environment.

We had a busy day; we spent the afternoon in Elder Shafer’s part of the area (Wilford and Valley View stakes) contacting referrals from a bishop and other members.  Due to the temporary merge, the people we were going to have dinner with in Elder Shafer’s area agreed to have us over for lunch.  However, the husband was sick, so they gave us Cafe Rio gift cards instead.  We decided to forgo lunch, as we found it was 1:30 but we weren’t hungry.

At one point, we helped a ward mission leader move a piece of marble slab he had for his counter tops.  It was a good way to warm up with him; Elder Shafer told us that he was hard to work with when missionaries first got into the area, due to his personality in general.  We asked if we could have something to eat when he asked if he could help us with anything.  It took about half an hour, but we think it was well spent. We were able to bond a little more with him. He told us about football-sized avocados from his mission in Brazil. 

We dropped by Nai and Carly while walking back.  Nai is very nice, and promised to go to church, but he seemed weird about it.  We weren’t able to perceive if he was heartfelt or not.  In either case, we know he wants to come back. 

One man we ran into was on a bike; he told us he is a member but not active.  We didn’t think the conversation was going anywhere, but we asked if he knew if anyone was interested in the gospel.  He said his wife started reading the Bible and Book of Mormon to understand what the LDS church believes. It turned into an awesome conversation.  We set up a time to visit for later that day. When we got there, however, he told us that he had talked to her and she wasn’t interested in learning from us at this point.  She wanted to read the scriptures first.

We didn’t get by to helping the people with the lost keys move until the evening. By the time we got there, they had finished. They said that they really weren’t interested in the gospel. In fact, their six-year-old boy (the key hider) told us “this is what I think of Joseph Smith,” and broke a stick in half and threw it over the balcony.  We’re pretty sure he picked it up from his parents.

Some of the RMs from our mission visited our apartment.  One of them was Elder Taylor, who I knew from Evanston (my first area). Another RM, Sister Tobin wanted to see if we could find her name tag. Elder Heyward found it stuck between the cushions in the couch.  It was really odd to see them. They were like normal people. It made me think about how easy it would be to become less active after a mission, as “normal life” comes fast and suddenly the support that missionaries get is gone.

Sunday, January 14th, 2018:

We had breakfast with the people who were going to have us over for dinner from Elder Shafer’s area.  We went by at 8 am; they had three children.  Their family was still getting ready for church; we were only able to have breakfast with them and not share any lesson because time was so short. We want to set up another time to come by and share from the scriptures or the missionary lessons because we made such a brief exit.

We spoke today in the EMC 2nd ward; I prepared my talk on repentance while sitting on the stand. I’m getting better at speaking without having to write out my entire talk.

We went to ward council in the 11th ward and two other sacrament meetings.

Nai and Carly, a less active family we’re working with, finally came to church!  Their ward, Rosecrest 2nd, is very open and supportive; people were talking with them after sacrament meeting and well into second hour.

Tristyn only made it to sacrament meeting, as she started getting a migraine.  Staci told us that Tristyn wanted to sleep on whether or not to be baptized. We fasted for her.

We had a random moment in the evening singing “O Night Divine.”  We knocked on one investigator’s door, but she wasn’t home.  It was a fun moment together.